


The Humor in it all

by Silverhaunter



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gen, Humor, Tags to be added, This is basically pure crack, texting au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 02:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12122205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverhaunter/pseuds/Silverhaunter
Summary: I take requests for funny scenariosI write these in a script-like format.Including:Texting group chat AUShay should join The RooksEveryone talkingEzio finding out Altair was demotedConnor being Connor





	1. Ezio finding out Altair was demoted to a novice + Shay should join the Rooks

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Rogue, Unity and 
> 
> Okay just
> 
> General spoilers but probably not much for the first one
> 
> I can't do accents on this stupid computer I hate it

  
Ezio: (Internally Dying) I'm good.  
  
Altair: are you sure...?  
  
Ezio: the hoOk and the bla De  
  
Desmond: get the doctor

* * *

  
  
  
Ezio: (For some reason, not admiring Altair)  
  
Altair: You okay?

  
Ezio: You should be worring more about yourself...

  
_...novice._

  
Altair: I'm gonna kill him.

  
  
(A few moments later:)  
  
Altair: MALIK.  
  
Malik: Hello, friend.  
  
Altair: YOU TOLD EZIO I GOT DEMOTED?  
  
Malik: Yes I did, Dai.  
  
Altair: THAT'S NOT COOL? IN WHICH WORLD IS THAT COOL?  
  
Haytham: It's really not  
  
Shay: I agree, sir  
  
Altair: EVEN THE TEMPLARS ARE DEFENDING ME  
  
Malik: Well the Mentor deserves his role and he's actually a very good assassin even in old age I went through Desmond's memories and he's very nice on the eyes actua-  
  
Altair: (Screaming) STOP

  
  
(Earlier that day:)  
  
Malik: Finally! Somebody who earned their role!  
  
Ezio: Grazie, mio fratello. So you are friends with Altair, yes?  
  
Malik: Yeah, did you know he got demoted to novice?  
  
Ezio: (chokes)  
  
Malik: He also got my brother killed and made me lose an arm-  
  
Ezio: (Chokes and starts coughing)  
  
Malik: Are you alright  
  
Ezio: My world is shattering into small pieces but yes I am alright,

Ezio:

Ezio (clears throat)

Ezio:I'll be right back  
  
  
(Meanwhile)  
  
Shay: Hey, uh, your italian mentor friend looks like he's about to kill that.. uh, Altair fellow.  
  
Connor, screeching: HE'S WHAT?!  
  
Haytham: Assassins... (shakes head)  
  
Shay: (sweating a little) haha, right, sir.  
  
Jacob: Yeah this is why I have a gan- HEY, SPEAKING OF WHICH...  
(Leans over to Shay, wrapping an arm around him, as he tenses and nearly crushes his cup of tea)  
  
Arno: Yeah, you should join, Shay.  
  
Shay: Um, no, probably not.  
  
Jacob: Yeah, you should! I mean, we already know everything about you.  
  
Shay: (spits out his tea)  
  
Jacob: We call ourselves the Rooks  
  
Arno: (for dramatic effect:) the rooks  
  
Jacob: I'm the leader  
  
(Evie shoots him a glare)  
  
Jacob: Yeah I said it

  
Shay: Um, you guys don't find it the LEAST bit uncomfortable that I'm a turn-coat?  
  
Jacob: Nah.  
  
Arno: Not really, no. My girlfriend was a Templar.  
  
Jacob: My kinda-boyfriend was, too, kinda.  
  
Altair: My wife was, too  
  
Connor, (with a disgusted noise): My father is a templar  
  
Shay: Yeah, I kinda work with him?

Haytham: Work is an interesting word Shay-

Connor: Father stop tormenting him  
  
Evie: I actually find it extremely uncomfortable that you're a turn-c-  
  
Jacob: My dear, sweet sister, do kindly shut up (followed by a sweet smile oh how he loves his sister).

  
  
Shay: I killed his dad this doesn't bother you guys??  
  
Arno: I mean, I kinda knew... we know everything about you...  
  
Connor: I killed your grand master, it's not really a big deal we kinda kill each other all the time

Haytham: (coughs)  
  
Jacob: Plus, Arno feels no emotions.  
  
Arno: Hey.  
  
Jacob: His girlfriend died.  
  
Arno: **HEY.**  
  
  



	2. Group Chat (AU?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callmeslay: Shay  
> Assassin32: Altair  
> Prettyboi: Ezio  
> Kenbae: Edward  
> Haythamsuxx: Connor  
> Shaysuxx: Achilles
> 
> They call him Shay Bae to annoy him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I regret some things

Assassin32: SOMEBODY let the Templars find us.  
  
Kenbae: srry ndd da $  
  
Assassin32: OH, nO, It's NO BIG DEAL. NOT AT ALL.  
  
Prettyboi: merda who changed my username :/  
was it altair  
  
Assassin32: Actually, no.  
  
Kenbae: wasn me  
  
Prettboi: It was totally you  
  
Kenbae: no  
  
Haythamsuxx: Sup  
  
Kenbae: ur usrnam is  
  
  
Haythamsuxx: Oh no hard feelings grandpa but your son is a little biiuabc;libq'PHWQIVBDSCObibiudshcihEW-]Iv29yp3g2    0f[h    IWBVL  
  
Prettyboi: lol wonder what happened there  
  
Callmeslay: He dropped it.  
  
Prettyboi: Heyy shay bae lolololol  
  
Callmeslay: Hello, Ezio, did Edward change your username?  
  
Prettyboi: Yeah lol  
  
Callmeslay: So last night I saw Achilles at the bar and you would not believe that he wasiODHB;VIUh'pewghvoubvgidH32Y    18O7FIUHVE    ;fvE [8HYR    3    EWPIVB  
  
Haythamsuxx: He dropped it, silly irishman. So fragile. Like a fawn.  
  
Prettyboi: You're all so strange!  
  
Shaysuxx: They really are.  
  
Callmeslay: never gonna save YOUR life again.


	3. Lilo and Stitch but it's AC 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilo and Stitch but it's AC III

Lilo and Stitch but  
  
Achilles: Connor...  Why are you all wet?  
  
Connor: (sighs) It's sandiwch day.  
  
Connor:  
Achilles:  
Connor: (sighs)

  
Every Thursday I give Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. But today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my father to give him and he said a tuna sandwich!  
I can't give Pudge tuna!

Do you know what tuna is?!

Achilles: ...It's... fish?

Connor (screaming): IT'S FISH!

If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I was LATE because I had to GO TO THE STORE and get PEANUT BUTTER 'CAUSE, 'CAUSE

'CAUSE ALL WE HAVE...

IS... IS STINKIN' TUNA!

Achilles: Connor, Connor.

Why is this so important?

 

Connor: (rolling eyes) Pudge controls the weather.

 

Charles Lee: You're crazy.

Connor: (Attack!)

Charles Lee: (Feminine scream)


	4. Connor, Shay, and Haytham talk about the future. Alternate title "I WHAT?!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet at thirty.

Connor: I kill you, just so you know.

Haytham: What?!

Shay: WHAT?!

Connor: You try to strangle me, and I stab you in the throat.

Haytham: I WHAT?!

Shay (turning to Haytham): YOU WHAT?!

Edward (under his breath): _figures._


End file.
